therA Year

It’s been more or less a year.

Yep.

“What’s been going on” I don’t hear you ask? Well, a lot…actually. I, for one, have changed persepective. All those posts about love, finding yourself in love, loving and all things transcendental are pretty funny to me today.

Last year I had returned from a 2 year hiautus in what can only be described as paradise. A paradise I didn’t feel I belonged in. I returned to “the real world” in June 2021 and tried to find my own little place to set up base. This blog was something that helped me get through an intense and unexpectidly severe case of reverse culture shock as well as help me improve on my writing. I believed that through making this public I could not only upgrade my writing but also make someone going through some grief of their own feel a little less lonely.

However, to be completely honest with myself, this Blog as well as all the other habits I was piling up (meditation, fasting, breathing exercises, yoga exercises, self evaluations…) were all aimed at one thing: finding a purpose.

You see, at the age of 24 (5 years ago now…sheeeesh!) I decided I didn’t want to continue the life I was living. That what I was doing was making me miserable. What was I doing? Well, the usual…I had a stable job (that payed shit but in Italy we must thank the overlords that employ us for their kindness and generosity considering the soaring unemployment rates amung young people), I had a boyfriend with whom I shared a very nice appartment with, I had a good group of friends and well, you know the rest.

Now, I was taught that all of those things are meant to keep you happy. I was told to finish school because it was important, “no one will ever respect you if you don’t finish school”. So I did. The university I wanted to study at didn’t accept my application so I was told “choose something else, you need a degree, finding a job will be impossible without a degree”. So I did. I was then told to continue on to a masters degree because the bachlor’s wasn’t enough if you wanted to “be someone” in the world. Thankfully, I was just old enough to be like “really, though?”. So I found a job, without the need of my fucking degree I might add, and started making my own money. With this money, even though not much, came a very slow but increasing in time indipendence.

What came after was a worldwind of difficult decisions. I broke up with my boyfriend of over 4 years, I went off to Brazil where I fell in love with a boy who was very bad for me, I returned and ruined an already very frail relationship with my parents then fled again to Central America where Corona Virus forced me, and the rest of the world, to stop. We all had to stop. We were all left with ourselves. Our thoughts. What a scary place a mind can be, ehy?

I don’t know about yours but mine is a pretty fucking horrible place to be in. I mean have you read last years posts? I know. CRIN-GY.

As you may know I’m a big proponent of therapy. I believe that looking at ourselves through the eyes of an objective third party can be incredibly beneficial. I was aimlessly drifting through life, continents, people, beds and was so desperate to find meaning in life. My biggest mistake, somehting therapy helped me with was realising that I kept searching for it outside of myself. You’ve heard it before, you’ll hear it again, obviously: true meaning is only found within oneself. Okay. We know that. Thank you.

My whole thing, this whole time was: Now what? Like, I get it: search within and you will find answers, heal, breath, do yoga, write a blog, listen to yourself. So now that I’ve done all of that and still feel like I’m in a desert with no map, no water, no shoes, a sandstorm coming my way and no visiable refuge — now what?

So, lessons learnt in this year: the good, the bad…the weird.

1) Therapy is great but gives you no answers.

This is no shot at psychologists but definately at the idea that through spending your money you will somehow reach a level of self conciuosness that Confucious would be jelous of. This is not the case. So, if you, like me, are looking for answers you just gotta live with the fact that in some cases there aren’t any. And that SUCKS!

2) It’s okay to want cuddles.

Okay, this is a weird one. Remember when I wrote a whole entry about how “fuck boys aren’t so bad”? Well, I still think that, I’m not taking it back. I’m just accepting the fact that a lot of the time I’m allowing myself to get stuck in situations where I’m unhappy trying to convince myself that I don’t care because I really just want to spend more time with someone I know I shouldn’t be spending time with. You get me? Realising that cuddles are awesome and I want more of those was actually rather embarrassing. That would mean that I wanted love, that I was looking for love. Me? What? I even told one of the f boys I was frequenting and he replied: “wanting to be loved is part of being human, there’s nothing more normal than that” as he was rejecting me. That was a strange one. When you think you’ve heard ’em all, ehy?

3) You’re allowed to be angry just don’t lash out

Here’s the thing about feelings: you’ll feel an assortment of these (if your not a psycopath) and they’re all “technically” good. However, if you’re having a hard time processing something and your way to do so is scream that very thing in my face as if I am somehow obliged to empathise with you is not the way. I would usually blame myself. I’d be angry because I felt like I’d somehow put myself in that situation. But…Nah bitch, learn to deal with your shit!

4) Accept you played crazy but then don’t blame yourself for everything

Admittantly I had a bit of a mental breakdown this winter. I was alone, in a new city, no friends, no people really, no time to go out because of my packed work schedule when I met someone online I truely believed was it. I feel nothing but pitty for him now because I’m aware that I showed him all sorts of crazy. When it inevitable ended all I did was blame myself, my crazy, my physical appearance, my voice, my stupidity. It was all me. When, after, I recalled: I told him. I actually told this person where I was mentally, what I was looking for, the cuddles thing…he knew. So…he’s kind of an asshole. I was crazy, don’t get me wrong I’m aware it was BAD. But that doesn’t change the fact that he was a douche. One doesn’t necessarily negate the other.

5) It’s okay to be upset about someone

One thing I didn’t allow myself at all, ever, was to be upset about someone. If I’m upset, that means I had expectations. You’re not allowed to have expectations. Those are bed. What are you twelve? Yep- okay- got it, no expectations. The weird thing is that I don’t meet up with someone thinking I’m going to get married. I just get excited about the texting, the conversations, making plans to meet up. You know that bubbly feeling you get when you meet someone for the first time? I like that. I don’t think I put any expectations on anyone. I admit though that I do feel like an overly full open trash bag when the texting suddenly and with no apparant motive stops. When the other person starts giving excuses instead of date proposals. When the conversation takes 12 to 24 hours to continue. That’s what I’m sad about. Not because I thought this person was going to become my husband.

So folks, it has been fun to get back at this. No conclusion. No final thoughts. It is what it is.

It’s been great hanging out again!

Until next time,

Sarita.