In Defense of the Fuckboy
Roaming through today’s dating scene as an almost thirty year old woman is intriguing. You have the opportunity of meeting an array of different characters with an array of different intentions. It took some time but I came to the realization that I was meandering through date apps, random beach boys and coincidental bump-in’s along the road without having much of a plan. What I mean by this is that I never knew what place I would have enjoyed for these men to take up in my life. Just one night? A week? A life time? This confusion of mine made me a rather easy “target” for a certain kind of person who was attracted by what he saw but not so much by what he heard. I say target because I was young, naive and rather clueless as to what and who men are in the dating scene. These experiences helped to build up my resilience as well as self-awareness. I’m not spiteful at these men, in many ways, I’m grateful to have experienced life for what it is: a complicated series of events that sometimes only makes sense after you’ve fucked up. Sometimes literally.
From my understanding a fuck boy is someone who only “uses” you for what he values in you, sex. According to Enjoy the Podcast there are two different types of men that play in this role. Surely there are queer equivalents however I can only write from my perspective which is one of a rather boring, heterosexual, cis gendered, white woman. There is the standard fuck boy who uses his charms to conquer you but that makes no concrete promises. Then there’s the nice guy who pretends to be in to you for more than just your compartmentalized body part. Personally I’ve come across both and I have to say that as far as nice guys are concerned, please, no. There’s no place in the world for you. You’re just a liar and that reflects badly upon us as a society. Imagine aliens came down from their space ship and we had to explain to them how people procreate on planet Earth in 2021. We would have to look them straight into whatever their equivalent for eyes are and say there’s one kind of human male that eludes and lies to get what he wants and then leaves the female to believe she’s worthless afterwards. Even a species that doesn’t abide by human ethical standards would think that’s mean…as well as unnecessary. So, now that that’s out of the way let’s get down and dirty with the rest of the fuckery.
The reasons I believe Fuckboys deserve a place in the world:
1. A Man with a Plan
They’re sleek, they know what to say, they’re funny and they make you feel awesome. The experienced fuckboy has refined his art. Or his ‘game’ as they call it. He knows what he’s doing. Everything is calculated. He has a strategy. A fucking strategy! That in and of itself is at least something worth recognizing. What’s more, the objective, his target, is you. This means that you’re going to be a part of, if he’s good, a pretty memorable interaction. The fuckboy is a charmer. He says nice things in nice ways. He listens. Intently. He stares you in the eyes. He speaks to you. Now, bebè, look at me. You just met the guy. Do you really believe that someone that you met literally hours ago is so undoubtedly, electrifyingly, excitedly into you as a person? Common. Let’s be honest here. No one’s that captivating. No one. Not even him. That’s why he concocted a plan. Because he knows he’s boring as fuck. We all are. And that’s fine. Once we’ve established that he’s good at what he’s doing we must make a choice. Do we continue playing the game he asked us to join or do we thank him and leave? And regardless of the decision that you make this says nothing about you as people. In the same way that when kids in a playground go up to others asking if they wanna play ball and one says yes but the other says “nah man I got this stick that needs all of my attention right now” says nothing about them. It’s a game. You can play, or you can pass.
2. Building Resilience
I mostly want to touch on the fact that there are many arguments against men for adopting fuckboy like traits and behaviors. “They shouldn’t be allowed to act like this” is a phrase that I believe captures the main argument against the fuckboy. This worries me a little bit. Mostly because it takes away our power as women. My best friend is about to have her first child. So she’s gonna go around her house and pad all the sharp edges, put all pointy things in the upper shelves, put barriers up so that the baby doesn’t go where she’s not supposed to. Now, this makes perfect sense. She’s having a baby. She’s gonna make sure that everything is set up in a way that she knows to the best of her knowledge is safe. Because that’s what you do as a parent. You do everything in your power to protect your child. Now, maybe I’m reading this wrong. Maybe I’m trippin’. But, it seems as though, some people believe that I, an almost thirty year old woman, am a child. As if the world needed to be baby proofed for me. That I need protection over the big, bad fuckwolf. And if, if, IF this is the message then that’s terryfying. I’ve cried genuine tears over boys I believed were obsessed with me and then left me shortly after they were done. This, in a way, says something about them but it also says a whole lot about me. It shows how I was unprepared. How I was so unaware that I believed that in one night I had become someone’s everything. It took a while but I learned my lesson. I’m here now, today, as a woman, also because of those experiences. I grew resilient and through that I now better understand myself and my womanhood. In all fairness men go through this as well. I’ve seen men get used as ego enlargers for women in different yet still just as painful ways as I have by fuckboys. So these are not behaviours only adopted by men. We however were just never given a name. We shouldn’t tell men how to approach us but we as women should take matters into our own hands and decide how we prefer to be approached. Or if we prefer doing the approaching. So if we are offered an evening under the sheets (or above, because who has sex under the sheets?) but we have decided that it’s not our vibe we can choose to say: nah, but thanks. Or accept it. Or be the first person to initiate the interaction. So many options. Who knew?
3. The Fuckboy Experience
You know that world tour that Beyonce did, called it the Beyonce experience. I never went but not because I didn’t desperately want to. I watched a tonne of her shows of that same tour on YouTube. Man! She got it all out. She had a full band, dancers, guest singers, different costumes, visuals, pyrotechnics, everything! You didn’t just attend her show, nah, you experienced Beyoncè. I bet people who went and saw her live left with all sorts of emotions running, turning and squirming all over their bodies. Almost as if they somehow became special just because of the spectacle that they just watched. In a far more particular way, the fuck boy provides you with a somewhat similar affair. Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ve had some good times. Memorable times. Times that while living them felt so good yet remembering them felt like a canon ball would shoot through my stomach everytime theycame up. I spent too much time in spite of what could have been instead of remembering what was. That small event in my life that in that moment made me feel great was what happened. The scene had been called and then cut. But it still happened. Is there manipulation involved? I mean, I guess to some degree. However, if there has been no vocal commitment of any kind then I have some disbelief over this statement. As we’ve clarified this kind of man comes in hot, very hot and very fast. So we already have an idea from the first approach as to what it is that he wants. We are also aware of our part in this interaction which is to accept or deny the offer to play the game. If we’ve welcomed the opportunity for a bit of fun then we should be fully aware that this is, just what it is, nothing. Gestures, words and cuddles. That’s it. Nothing behind them. In the same way that your gestures, words and cuddles have nothing behind them. By nothing I mean no intentions. No expectations. You give as much as you’re willing to give to someone you know is not going to commit to you. And, once it’s all over, the music stops, the lights go out and Beyonce leaves the building we’re left with tingles all over our bodies knowing that they are just that. Tingles. Who doesn’t love those?
A Word of Caution
There’s nothing wrong with wanting a relationship. In the same way that there’s nothing wrong with wanting no strings attached to one person. Or if we want multiple strings with multiple people. Or if we want to just sit on a hill in a park and chat with someone who is very good at chatting. The only thing is that those in search of long term love can get a little bit too excited by someone who douses them in simil-love like confetti. Learn to see the confetti. But don’t get too beat up when you don’t. Some are really fucking good at hiding them. Believe me. It’s okay to fall for it. When this happens, because it will, take it as an opportunity to look inside yourself and ask: what is it that I want? Once you’re clear on that then everything will organically fall into place. And you can enjoy an experience or two without going through the sadness and resentment.
So go on ahead and enjoy your fuckboys. They can add a little excitement to your life. You can add a little excitement to theirs. And you can be excited together. It can be fun. A lot more fun when both parties are fully aware of the terms and conditions they’re inadvertently signing when they both decide to say: fuck yeah!
Until next week,
Sarita.
