The “visitor” mindset
As someone who has always lived away from one parent, travelling to visit family is something I’ve grown up doing. All my life I’d be sent off to spend the holidays with the parent I wasn’t living with. I was raised in Spain and lived here until the age of 16 with my mum, who’s Spanish (just in case) after which I moved to live with my dad in Italy ( italian, just in case). I’m now 29, going on 30 and even though I’ve found time to go off on my own adventures I still have to dedicate a considerable amount of time splitting “family time” time between two countries. With low cost Airlines and a direct ryan air flight Bologna — Malaga this has become a far easier affair than it once was. The logistics of it, even though a faf at times, definately isn’t the hard part. In all fairness there isn’t really a hard part. There’s just a part of it that I don’t particularly enjoy but at this point has become a part of who I am. There’s no country I’m ever really home at. There’s no place in the world that I don’t feel “extra”.
I am Sara. I’m 29. I’m a teacher. I’m a visitor.
I’m sure a lot of people feel this way for different reasons and it’s surely no new concept. Many pop-punk bands from the early 2000’s made there way to fame by musically expressing this very notion. Even though I can feel quite lonely at times I must remember that a lot of us experience this one way or another and that it’s merely one of the things in life that make us more resilient.
But sometimes it sucks enough to make me want to write about it. So let’s go, shall we?
My main thing is not having a main friend group in either country. I think with time going on and getting older and yada yada we tend to see less people. It’s probably normal and nothing to be worried about however, admittedly, I do miss having people to talk to that aren’t family memebrs trying to tell me how to live my life (especially around the holidays). Families do have a habit of “knowing” what’s best, not just for you, but everything in general. My gradparents for example who have lived through three generations and definately have a lot of genuinly well sourced information are probably the best people to talk to but I get so overwhelmed. After a while all I want to do is run away. I have the tendency of doing so when I’m uncomfortable. Certainly doesn’t help, I’m aware but hey. We all have different ways of facing difficulties.
These holidays I’ve managed to keep myself from travelling because parent 1 (aka mum) decided to come and visit early on in December and somehow that prevented me from having to travel anywhere. This was bloody fantastic for a myriad of reasons. A, more money in my pockets. B, I could ho around a bit on tinder as I had a lot of time off. C, there is no c but you have to have three in a list or else it just sounds wrong. Best Christmas ever.
I guess the feeling of not really having a home is rather upsetting. I mean, I know it is, I’m feeling like shit so it’s not a guess it’s a definate answer to a very direct question. What I do guess is that we try to make the best out of what we’ve got. Make due with the cards we’re dealt. I think that has something or other to do with adulthood.
Not everything needs to be a tragedy. Not everything has to be a traumatic event. Feelings are frivolous occult specters and more importanly: fuck your feelings (cit. Mark Manson). Feelings are what drive thoughts. With time off you have more time to think of yourself because you don’t need to worry about real life stuff like work, and when will I do my groceries and will I have time to do laundry? Because you have time to do all those things. You also have more time to be introspective and a lot of people avoid that all together by getting wasted. I, myself, am not foreign to that at all. Actually, big fan. I can’t handle the hangover anymore ‘coz, you know, being thirty and all but I get it! But if there’s anything I want to take away from the Winter holidays is this: the “visitor” is just a mindset. A mindset is nothing more than a thought. Thoughts are promted by feelings. Feelings are temporary.
If you also felt lonely this holiday season remember: it doesn’t matter. You’ll get over it. At the end of the day, you, as well as everyone else, have to wake up tomorrow morning and get on with life.
P.S — this is not to say that if you feel lonely and want to talk to people that you shouldn’t reach out and do so. Yes, “fuck it” but conciously. Don’t be an idiot. If what you need is a friend to talk to, there is someone crazy enough to be that person for you. I want to make that very clear. Yes, I don’t have a main friend group but that doesn’t mean I don’t have people crazy enough to be my friends that won’t answer a phone call. I do. And I’m grateful to all those crazy motherfuckers. If I have them, so do you!
Until next time,
Sarita ❤
