Obvious but not.
I have a night time routine I like to follow before bed. It’s pretty basic. I finish work around 11pm, I shower, I brush my teeth, wash my face, moisturize and get into bed. I read as much as I can before my eye lids start getting heavy and then I switch off my bed side light, turn on my stomach and hug my pillow. It’s not sleep time just yet. Now, it’s time to re-watch the show I like to call “Who is Sara?”. I binge on this thing every night. It never gets boring. I close my eyes and see a stage brightly lit before me. Characters start to pop up and interact with each other, people I know in real life and people I wish I knew. Every scene starts and ends quickly. One recurring theme of this imagined TV series is Teenage Sara’s Series of Unfortunate Events. Oh, what a character. Going back into the reaches of my adolescent memory is quite the journey. It literally feels like I’m watching one of those YA movies, like Mean Girls or the crazy amazing life of Mary-Kate and Ashley…? It’s like watching something that never happened to me but that happened to not-me.
Maybe it’s so cringe I actually disassociated from myself. Which, I wouldn’t find that hard to believe. Teenage Sara is a combination of Josh from Jake and Josh, Wednesday from the Adams family and Mr. Bean. Josh in weight, Wednesday in attitude and Mr. Bean in general airyness. Man, I was dumb. Not in the academic sense I was half decent in school but when it came to relating and understanding others I was so…so…bad. I just sucked at reading social queues. I never understood boundaries. I was taken a back when I discovered some people didn’t like me. I was genuinely shocked when I heard girls in my class would make fun of me. Maybe it was self preservation. Maybe I was just not the smartest tool in the glove box. Yep. You read them right. 6 words. Not changing them.
Today as I re-watch certain scenes over and over again I notice that I’m really bothered by this character. She annoys me. It’s so obvious she’s being made fun of. It’s clear that people are simply using her out of necessity. She’s not anyone’s friend. Not really. A part from a few exceptions. This young girl is clueless. And desperate to be loved. What a destructive combination of things.
I’m currently teaching English Online and I dived into the topic of awareness with one of my more advanced students. He is someone who prides himself on being this way and to have been so most of his life. What I admired however was the fact that he was so self aware to be aware that he wasn’t always (nor always is) self aware. I booked marked this information for later use.
I then went on a bumble date with a man who had a very interesting story to tell. Someone who himself is doing a lot of soul searching which was humbling to listen to. He sustained that it’s through relating to other’s that we come closer to understanding ourselves.
So it could be that Teenage Sara was unaware of things because she was simply going through the various levels of the game “Who is Sara”. Like all good shows we got our own video game too. As she levels up she becomes more aware of her surroundings. More empathetic. More mature. Less dumb. Even though intelligence, if we could see it in a graph, is most certainly not linear in progress.
Obvious, but not really.
I know someone who on occasion would use a phrase along the lines of “everyone knows that, Sara”. When they said it I would sit back and think about it for a second. Yes, in the moment it definitely took a strike to my ego but it never quite made sense. Who is everyone? We are 7 billion people spread across 7 continents speaking 7111 languages living in completely different cultural, ethnic and even gastronomic realities. The use of “everyone” is factually incorrect. Then, one day, a light bulb went off: if it’s true to them then it’s true to everyone. Hang on a second, let me explain. This person’s life experiences, surroundings, interactions with people and even the food they consumed are what have come together to form this person’s idea of reality. What they believe it is. This perception becomes even more cemented when you surround yourself with people who have had similar life journeys as you. That’s how we create and stabilize friendships and relationships. Find people who like the same things and think in the same way. Then enjoy life together. It’s beautiful actually.
As I’ve stated in my last post I’m somewhat of an identity-less mutt. I’m ital-spaniard raised in a British context whilst obsessively binging on American content. So relating is something I’ve always struggled with. I’m a weird mix of things. I know that a lot of adolescents struggle to “fit in” and at that age it’s something we all desperately try do so. It’s a biological impulse. Once upon a Stone Age if we were excluded from our tribe that meant certain death. So we developed and evolved to avoid it. In 2021 we live in a rapidly changing society where the mix of globalization, the internet and, believe it or not, the English language are connecting people more than ever. Never in the history of man kind have we ever been so united. It may not seems so because we’re victims of our amygdalas but if you stop and look at the numbers: conflicts are at an all time low as is crime, child deaths, hunger rates… This is literally the best time to be alive. The easiest time to fit in because there are online forums, YouTube channels, Instagram influencers that make people feel connected to something even if it’s not necessarily physical in presence. I fucking love the internet for this very reason. I, someone who doesn’t fit in anywhere, can explore my interests online. I personally don’t engage in the comments section of YouTube videos nor do I use forums to chat to like minded people. I just take solace in knowing that they exist. And thank God Teenage Sara had this relief valve or else she would have done a lot more stupid shit than she has.
As Teenage Sara evolved into an adult she did a lot of cringe worthy shit. A. Lot. I know she’s not alone in this, the teenage version of anyone is a literal cringe fest. That’s what makes going back and re-watching those episodes as entertaining as it is. It’s like watching that scene in Love Actually where Rowan Atkinson is taking forever to gift wrap Alan Rickman’s mistresses Christmas present. Omg, his wife is gonna turn up any second now! Lavander?! Seiorusly! Rowan has no idea what’s going on. He’s just trying to make this gift look as nice as possible. Trying to do a good job. But we’re all watching him like: get a move on! At a very weird level it almost hurts. Physically. Those are the easiest moments to recognize. The ones that make my face wrinkle backwards into a very visual representation of disgust. When I re-live those experiences today it’s very clear to me where the mistake was, what I should have done instead and how I would like to face that situation in the future. Teenage Sara is a very easy read. An effortless lesson to learn.
Adult Sara comes onto the scene now, lights blaring in her face. She’s talking with someone, she’s going through the motions and gestures of the director-less, script-less scene. Me, the spectator feels weird. There’s something off about this. But what? I can’t quite put my finger on it. It’s like having a small pebble in your shoe. So small you’re not entirely sure whether or not it’s worth stopping to shake out. What is it about this particular scene that makes me feel slight discomfort?
The next morning I wake up thinking about the slight discomfort. This morning in particular I just couldn’t get it out of my head. What about my thoughts is making me feel off balance? Going back to the “everyone knows” thing and how this is merely a representation of how we, as individuals, subconsciously choose to see reality, it’s very clear to me that any discomfort that I may feel when thinking about a situation is merely a cause and effect of my projections. Of how I actively decide to see it. On how I choose to interpret another person’s words and body language. On the effect that my mood had and still has on my very fallible memory. So fundamentally it all comes down to me.
Obvious but not.
When I’m faced with a situation that triggers me at my core level, that wakes up that “inner child” from her slumber, I can do nothing but react instinctively to what’s happening rather than think through it. Afterwards, during my nightly self analysis sessions, I try to figure out if, and if so what, went wrong. I blame others and then I point the finger right back at myself. Who’s right and who’s wrong? It’s not obvious in the moment. It takes a while to clarify it after the fact.
Obvious but not.
If it things were obvious, if situations were always easy to read, if people always knew where other’s stood then there would be no conflict. No marriage would ever end. No ghosting would occur. No misunderstanding of any kind would exist. Why argue with someone when you both understand each other even in disagreement? Because that’s what would happen if things were obvious. But they’re not.
I developed some compassion for the character of Teenage Sara in these days. As well as her adult version. They are two individuals who roam within a reality where there is no clear story line. No clear setting. No clear character development. These characters are making up the story as they go. They enter other people’s stage and at times the improvisation is perfect and the chemistry between actors is inebriating. Other times they just clash. Other times you’re sure they’re not gonna behead Ned Stark because that would be killing the central character of the series and there’s no way they wou- wait, WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!
That certainly wasn’t obvious.
Until next week,
Sarita.
