Ghost (v)
Ghosting — the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.
“I thought ghosting was a horrible dating habit reserved for casual flings”
Thank you google definitions.
Don’t have many arguments against it, myself. I think that no one owes anyone anything. I mean, of course, everything within reason. I’ve heard stories of people who’ve been together for years and then BAM one of them dissipates into nothingness never to be seen or heard from again leaving a very broken heart behind. I, personally, have not experienced or observed this phenomena. What I have seen a lot of however is this: “I’m not that into you and I don’t really want to deal with your feelings so I’m just going to dissappear because it’s the easiest option.”
In a similar fashion to my post regarding fuck boys I’m not here to bash ghosting. I’ve done it myself. At times it’s the easiest option out of a situation you’re sometimes not so sure how you got into in the first place.
This post however is for the ghostees. Those of us who have been waiting for a text back since 12:34 pm yesterday. In the hopes it makes you feel a little better.
I tend to follow a cycle. This is more or less what it looks like:
1. Over analyse the ghoster — look for answers as to why they stopped texting
2. Over analyse myslef — what did I do to get myself ignored
3. Text of confirmation — send a text to confirm wether or not ignoring is taking place
4. Anger/Sadness — once the text has ramained unanswered or have recieved a very dissheartening, monosilabic, un-emotional response
Once the anger/sad stage has been reached I then re-start the cycle all over again until I’m satisfied. Satisfaction for me depends on who I’m talking to and how long we’ve been talking. If it’s someone I’ve only met a couple of times and we haven’t let’s say “consumed each other” (it was less wierd to say: had sex, but…here we are) then one round is enough. If, however, we’ve been speaking for a while and have actually ended up in bed then it takes me a few more laps around the track to finally “get it”. Once I’m here, let’s call it the finish line, I feel really shit about myself for a bit. Then I do something to remember how awesome I am and then I move on. So, it’s not all that bad.
Rejection is a part of life and as is life it can really suck at times. But there’s a lot of positives to rejection as well. It’s humbling. Sometimes, some people, really need to go through this experience to become better members of society. It creates resilience. When you make it out the other side, and you will, you notice how strong you are on your own. Being with people and supported by a community is priceless. Something everyone should be grateful to have. But making it through on your own does turn you into a badass mf. Scientifically proven. Swear down. It gives you the power of hindsight. Now, I’m still perfecting this technique myself BUT you should be able to look back at certain situations, see similar patterns and have an idea of what awaits you if you continue a certain interaction.
Now that we’re done with all the happy go lucky, #goodvibesonly shyte we can move on to the reason I’m even writing this to begin with: all the reasons being ghosted feels like a truck just unloaded a warm pile of poop all over you.
For me the usual M.O is through text, most specifically through whatsapp. If you’re unfamiliar with the app depending on the privacy setting you have on you can see wether someone has read your messages or not. It’s pretty simple, some people allow others to see if they’ve read your message (the famous blue tick) others don’t (you just have the double tick to confirm they’ve recieved it).
Of the ghosters the blue tick ghosters are in my opinion slighlty less hypocritical. They’re literally telling you: I saw your text, I read it and I chose not to answer. These ghosters tend to, well, ghost, on messages that have no immediate relevance. We’re not texting to meet up, we’re not making plans of any kind, we’re not talking about anything of particular importance. Once they’ve decided it’s a good time their texts will be more and more delayed. It’s not that they won’t ever answer you back, they’ll just take their sweet, sweet time doing so. If you ask to meet up, they’ll tell you how busy they are, maybe after a couple of days with a text like “Sorry I just got round to this now!”. Right. Sure.
I guess I’m more empathetic with this category as I’m definately amung them. I have done this. I’ve hated myself for it don’t get me wrong. It never felt good. I have also been on the recieving end and that doesn’t feel great either. When you’re the ghostee, at least in my experience, it’s a very frustrating affair. When you like someone you tend to be a lot more tollerant of certain things. Also, you tend to actually want to believe that the other person is “busy” and “they really do wish they could but…”. The unanswered texts and the blue tick does set off a rejection radar warning. You have evidence of you’re message being left unanswered. It’s there. It’s blue. No matter how many times you turn your data on and off in an attempt to refresh it a new message hasn’t come through. You wait. Sometimes days for a response. Eventually it does come through but it’s never what you wanted nor expected. This is where the resilience, the hindsight and your more humble self come into play to help you notice it’s not worth your time and move on.
Then there’s those who have the full baracade privacy setting on whatsapp: the none blue tickers. What an interesting lot. When you text this person you only know that your text has gone through but you don’t know if it’s been seen or read. You don’t know the last time this person was online. You know nothing. But, these are also people who’ve got so many devices connected to their phones that even the fucking toaster sends them a notification when they recieve a message. So of the two they are the MOST hypocritical. These ghosters are sneaky little fuckers. They will decide to stop texting you at ANY point of the conversation. You made plans to see eachother that evening — uh, you’re not seeing eachother anymore! You were planning on doing something that weekend together and you were arranging a time — uh, think again bitch! It doesn’t matter how inconvenient it is for the ghostee. Actually, the ghostee isn’t even considered at any point of the interaction. For the blue tick ghosters at least the ghostee’s feelings are thought of. Granted they decide they don’t want to deal with said feelings but at the very least they’re acknowledged. Which is something. The radar in the case of the none blue ticker just doesn’t seem to go off quite as quickly. As the time between texts has never been stable throughout time you’re not entirely sure if it’s a case of ghosting or wether that person has even picked up their phone at all that day. They said they’re busy. Could that actually be true this time? You ask yourself. The short answer is: no. Statistically everyone spends at least 2 hours on their phone a day. Reading speeds vary but it doesn’t take very long to read a short text message, it’s a question of seconds. Typing speed also varies but a short text response also is a question of breaths and not of minutes. So if you haven’t recived an answer in 4–5 hours, I’m sorry to say, you’re being ghosted. Unless they’re on a hike, in the hospital, on a long haul flight and all the other logical reasons…I don’t have to list those out no one’s that stupid!
I don’t really like this last kind. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like being rejected ever but this last category makes me feel particularly bad about myself. I believe that it’s mainly due to the unexpected nature of the break. One minute you’re talking about seeying eachother the next — nothing. Just nothing. For days sometimes. This is where I’m left thinking about all the things that I must have said or done to scare this person away. It’s a self flagilating process at the start. Why were we talking and then suddenly, just, not?
In either case, for both the blue ticker and the none, there will probably never be an answer to that question. What I’ve come to accept is that certainly some of me is partly the reason but mostly it’s them. The thing is I can tell myself I’m too fat, ugly, short, dumb and all other horrible things to answer the question: why did they stop talking to me? But they’re not satisfying answers. They also don’t help my self esteem much and that doesn’t do anybody any good, specifically me! Whatever the reason, it’s largely a them problem. Now, the more this happens to you the more you should do your own inner investigations. Don’t just blame the other person. But certainly don’t go thinking it’s all you. That’s just not the case.
Dating isn’t easy BUT the more you do it the more you get good at it. It’s like any skill, really. The only difference here is that there’s a whole other person you’re learning it with. Which inevitably comes with it’s complications.
The only thing that I’ve learnt that I believe is worth sharing is that the more you become okay with who you are the more you’re okay with people not liking who that person is. The fact that they don’t like you, like I said before, is a them problem. Let me explain. I’m FAR from being the person I’d like to be. Just to give you an example I put on 3 kgs in the last 8 months. I do not feel very good about that at all and I’ve definately considered this weight gain as part of the reason why some people have chosen to stop talking to me. IF, and that is a big all caps IF, that is the reason then that’s fine. Weight shifts, it drops, it piles on, it’s something that can really make you feel groggy and can make you look kinda groggy as well. I know this is not me at my best and I’m taking steps to change that. Losing weight is a process and if you want to do it properly a long one. If someone takes this snippet of me and judges me as only this (a fat bastard, as my brother would say) then that’s their problem…See what I mean? This, of course, is merely a reducted example. I’m okay with who I am, they’re not and that’s fine.
And hey, listen, there’s no ideal way of telling someone: I don’t like you. If there was a way of rejecting someone without anyone getting hurt we would ALL be using it. Most interpersonal interactions happen between two very normal avarage people who aren’t really invested in actively hurting the other. They’re just, well, I would say they’re scared. I know I’ve ghosted because I was just too scared to confront someone. Point is, I don’t think anyone goes about it with malice.
I don’t blame apps or what dating is now compared to what it used to be. I know a lot of people who have met through Tinder, Bumble, Facebook, you name it who are now living their best lives together. Certainly now we’re able to connect with people from across the globe and it’s certainly easier to avoid people you don’t see every day but that doesn’t make dating any harder. If anything, it makes it easier!
Anyways. As always, no solutions just rants. Hope you enjoyed.
Until next time,
Sarita.
